How To Break Your ‘People-Pleaser’ Tendencies
If you find yourself bending over backwards and sacrificing your own needs to meet others’ needs first, you might be what we call a “people-pleaser.” And if you’re a fellow people-pleaser like I am, know that you are not alone. The ability to make everyone happy can feel so good… basically like a superpower. That is, until it starts draining your own energy. While being kind and helpful is admirable and can make you feel good in some ways, prioritizing the happiness of others at your own expense just simply isn’t sustainable. Fortunately, I have been going to therapy for years, and I have learned three simple steps to help you break your people-pleaser tendencies.
Know Your “Why”
Have you ever asked yourself, “What drives my people-pleasing tendencies?” Understanding your “why” is crucial. Your “why” might be rooted in a fear of disappointment, rejection, or conflict. Here are some important questions to ask yourself to help you discover your “why”:
- When I feel the urge to please, what is happening to cause it?
- What do I hope to gain by saying yes?
- When I do people-please, what are some of the negative emotions or consequences I face during or after the process?
Set Boundaries
Ah, one of the most difficult tasks for people-pleasers. If you think about it, boundaries are like fences around your well-being. They basically define what you’re willing and able to give but ensure you don’t get trampled in the stampede of others’ needs. Try these practices:
- Simply practice saying “no.” While it sounds fairly easy to do, this alone is a very daunting task for people-pleasers.
- Prioritize your needs. Sometimes, your needs need to come before others, and that’s OK.
Find Your Voice
Many people-pleasers will often find that they get silenced in the chaos of their people-pleasing tendencies. Their own needs and opinions are often put on the back-burner as they try to make everyone else around them happy. In order to overcome this, try these steps:
- Connect with your values and beliefs. What’s most important to you?
- Practice expressing your needs openly. It’s more than OK for your needs to be heard. They’re important.
So… take a deep breath, people-pleasers. It’s time for all of us to figure out our “why,” set boundaries, and find our voices to break our people-pleaser tendencies. Your well-being, and the quality of your relationships, will thank you for it.
